Goal-Get rid of fear

I started this blog thinking I will start writing, this will be the step that gets me to start writing again, but I feel so stuck. What do I talk about in my blog? I set it up in order to discover myself and I feel clueless, as if who would want to read about boring, old me, but I guess the answer is I should just write. My problem is that I am fearful that I my writing has to be perfect, as if I am turning it in to a teacher for a grade. I am so used to writing academically and professionally that I become very afraid to write in the sense that I don’t want someone to read this and think “gosh that girl cannot write.” I feel like someone is going to bust out with a red pen and start marking up my blog in all the spots where I leave off commas or periods or if I create run on sentences. I have been living every aspect of my life with the fear that I will not live up to expectations and that I will be judged. I need to break out of this rut in order to figure out my life and what to do with it.

I just read this in Shannon Kaiser’s blog, which I am loving and discovered through Kristen Carr’s Crazy Sexy blog, who talks about how she discovered what she really wanted to do with her life. She was sick of living her life as a fraud, bummed out doing the same thing year over year and still being unhappy. She was able to figure out what she wanted and go after it. I need to compile a list like hers and make some goals for myself. I have always made goals but recently I cannot get my head thinking about where I want to go with my life. I guess I am sick of trying to get to the top, to be the best, smartest, I am literally tired, I have been fighting for “it” since I was kid. I am tired, I need a respite to figure my life out!

From http://www.playwiththeworld.com/?p=274
Now I feel more at peace, more alive, and more comfortable than I have ever before. Fear was keeping me playing small. It has no place in my life anymore.
Now that I am jumping into the big sea of the unknown, I’ve realized I need clear objectives. My ultimate goal is to be a full-time travel writer and author. So I created a business plan for corporation “Me.” It includes: I make X amount of money each month. I am featured in three magazines a month. I attend one press trip a season. I publish one book a year. By setting concise goals, I have a focus and a clear objective to help me stay on track.

Crappy Day

I really do not feel good right now, I feel like I am getting sick and I haven’t been sick in a long time, so this feels pretty craptastic. I feel like I need to vent right now, so many things have been irritating me lately and my patience is low. I need to stop being like that but it is hard when it feels like so many things are not going your way. I really want to find another job or know what I am doing with this life. I feel like I am in limbo right now and I think this is one of the main things that is driving me nuts and stressing me out. Looking for a job is not the easiest thing to do, but I know I need to get started because I am not going anywhere in this company except getting to be an assistant for the rest of my life and that is not something that I want.

I am having a hard time even concentrating or focusing today on anything. It is only 9am and my day is still so long. All I have been eating is saltine crackers, ugh. Also, why is being married so difficult sometimes. I hate the arguments and bickering over dumb stuff, but the dumb stuff is what goes on in your day to day life. I feel like I have taken on the role as my mother does to my father. I just wish things would go by smoothly, that we would agree on everything under the sun, but of course that is not the way it works. It’s all about push and pull, give and receive, when one does too much or not enough of the other, someone on one end feels it.

What to do with my life?

I have been asking myself this question my whole life. Ever since I was a kid I was always looking to the future. I wanted to be a veterinarian up until I was 19 and realized how much I hated chemistry and physics in college. Once that dream was gone, the slate was laid clean, my next goal was to teach art history. WOW because there are so many job offers and ways to get into that business. Realizing how hard it has been to break into that industry, finally at 31 I have given up. I worked at a psychiatric office, kindergarten teacher, substitute teacher, marketing/google person, and now working in contracts. My resume and my life reads like a person playing with balls and jacks, each time the ball hits the ground, I pick up a new jack, and going in a new direction. Each time I start I think, this is just a stepping point to get somewhere else, I will figure it out, and now I am at the point where I don’t know how to figure it out. I have been researching how to figure out what to do with your life?? In Steve Job’s Stanford commencement speech he said “You’ve got to find what you love,” sounds easy, but it has been so hard!! I love what he says, so prophetic and true, we must love what we do and have no fear.
http://news.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html

”Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.”

I need to figure out what I love doing and how to get paid for it.
-I love writing
-I love kids
-I love art
-I love cooking
-I love learning about how to be healthy and the human body


Now to figure out what to do !